I don't want the phone to ring again,
I don't want to hear you knocking on my door,
No more notes taped to my desk,
I just can't take them anymore.
The sweet words conceal the madness,
The suffocating watch,
I'm drowning in your glare,
And can't seem to get away.
Each time I turn
There you are,
Staring back at me,
Silence has replaced the joyful chatter,
But you won't let go, and I can't struggle free.
This isn't love.
Can't you see?
You and me,
We just weren't ment to be!
Like the first slice of cake,
I want the unbroken surface back,
The innocence of that first, sweet kiss.
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140,593 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
I don't want the phone to ring again,
I don't want to hear you knocking on my door,
No more notes taped to my desk,
I just can't take them anymore. - Clever rhyming scheme.
The sweet words conceal the madness,
The suffocating watch, - Nice line
I'm drowning in your glare,
And can't seem to get away. - No rhyming?
Each time I turn
There you are,
Staring back at me,
Silence has replaced the joyful chatter,
But you won't let go, and I can't struggle free. - More rhyming..
This isn't love.
Can't you see?
You and me,
We just weren't ment to be! - YEAH LOSER. Leave her alone. Bastard...
Like the first slice of cake,
I want the unbroken surface back,
The innocence of that first, sweet kiss. Aww.
I liked it. The rhyming was a little confusing, but it sort of doesn't matter that much. The poem overall was great, and nicely worded. You're a great poet.
No, there wasn't supposed to be any rhyme, it just sort of ended up fitting that way in some parts and I haven't changed it because all the other words I try to put in don't sound right.
I feel like it ended too soon. Also, the rhyming scheme, or lack there of, kind of had me confused. Was it a rhyming poem or not? There was no pattern. And if there was, I totally missed it and would like to be enlightened.
I like the cake similie. I feel the same way! Cakes are not meant to be cut! You have to take like, 15 pictures of the cake THEN cut it.
People these days... they no squat.
I totally get what you are saying here. The dude here is drowning you. He's clingy and needy and you just want to pummel him with a shoe.
The latter, maybe not so much.
(To the poem guy) SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, LOSER. DEAL WITH IT.
There are some good specific images in the first and last stanzas. I think this would be more powerful if it were expanded with details about the people, particularly the narrator, or even better, more details about the relationship (here's where metaphors like your cake one are especially great). Cut the cliche lines about love and 'you and me' in the middle there, and fix on a rhyme scheme and stick with it. There's definitely something here, it just needs some filling out.
I liked this. I thought it had a good rhythem. I also liked how you thought of what you didn't want to see or hear in the first stanza.
I really liked this!
keep writing!!!!
Yeah, I took out the caps, and edited some of the punctuation.
I seem to have already said this... hmm.
Please, do not use caps in title threads. It is bothersome, and unnecessary.
How about "No More" as a title? Since this poem is about how you don't want any more...
But anyways, this is a good poem! Keep it up!
Thanks for the advice.
You caught me at the last stanza.
Really good.
[/quote]This isn't love
I would make it ' Is this love?'
Makes it more dramatic. You know. She is confused and angry in a way.
That is just my opinion.
Really good.
Can't wait for next one.
P.S. I fixed that misplaced question mark.
I like your theme here, and I agree that the last stanza is your best. I really enjoyed the imagery.
Actually, I really liked the first verse.I felt I could relate, which means you communicated it very well. I'd add an exclamation mark after "anymore" for emphasis.
You veered from the rhyming scheme in the second verse, which made this read jerkily. I'd change "away" to something that rhymes with "watch" or vice versa.
The last two lines of the third verse were too long. Try reading this aloud to get a better sense of thr rhythm.
I'd scrap the next verse and try again. Your sentiment is powerful, but it just doesn't come across that way, and I think it's essential to your piece that it does.
As I said, I loved the last verse, though I think I'd change "innocence" to a two syllabyl word.
I really liked the last stanza:
Really, that was the only stanza I liked. It had a metaphor, and imagery (I can visualize the cake) which are both VERY good things to have in poetry. As to the rest of the poem, it was navel gazing and I couldn't get much of a feel for it. You have to realize your reader has no idea what you are writing about, and because of that, we don't really care about it unless you can write it in a way that we will care about it--does that make sense? In easier words, try to use metaphor, imagery, and less explanation to still get across your feelings about the situation, rather than all the telling you are doing. Model yourself off of your last stanza--really, that one was good.
As a moderators note: please don't use caps in your thread titles, kay? ^^
I liked the way this flowed, good start.
I kind of expected this to have the same flow as the first stanza, and was a little disappointed when it didn't. The first three lines are fine, but I think the last one doesn't flow so well, and lets it down a little.
And now the flow is back. If I were you, I'd combine the first two lines, and also change the comma on the third line to a full stop.
Hmm. This stanza is somewhat cliché. It doesn't sound too bad though. There shouldn't be a question mark at the end of the first stanza, so a comma or full stop instead, and we don't really need the exclamation mark at the end of the stanza, either. "Meant" is spelt wrong as well.
Now this, I like, particularly the last two lines. It finishes it off nicely. Good job, just consider the flow and continuity of the piece, and this will be a very good piece of work. Keep writing!
Maybe you meant to put a period there?
I love the cake simile. Very good description there. My least favorite stanza is the second one because the bottom half of that seems to appear a lot, maybe not with the same words, but do you understand where I'm coming from?
Overall, a nice piece of poetry. Well done